Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
