Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
