listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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