It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
