just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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