At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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