Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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