I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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