Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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