using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
