I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
