hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
