You can't special order awesome
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
