btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
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I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
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Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
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