I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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