i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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