I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
