thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
