Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
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yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
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I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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