This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
