listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
