Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
