Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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