dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
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His hands were made for my vagina.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
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