Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
