I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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