well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
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