is your mom at the bar?
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
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