So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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