he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
