The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
