The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
that's an acceptable place to lick
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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