This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
