i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
