Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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