My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
