how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
