I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
