Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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