My room smells like vodka and shame
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
