Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
