my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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