i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
