i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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