hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
