There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
