someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
