just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
