just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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