At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
zippers are such a cool invention
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
