I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
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The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
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We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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