The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
